I love these two bizarrely poetic and schizophrenic spams that I got today so much that I had to share them. The first was from my dear, dear, friend Agnes Walker. In her subject line she plainly reminds me, "I talk like a valley girl". Tell it like it is sister. Now imagine her reading this message in her Valley Girl voice;
It makes no difference who you are . The things we mean to say.
How are you? my new friend! Pretty woman here!
Notice the thoughtful, almost poetic way in which Agnes writes. She may be spam but she has soul and apparently looks like Julia Roberts.
I saw your profile on some website and decided to drop you
few lines. I am moving to your area in few days and looking for a man
partner who could show me around and who knows what might come out of this.
I am moving from the other part of the world.
Details aren't necessary Agnes, when you say "other part of the world" I know what you mean. I know it in my heart place.
Will send you my pic once you reply. Give me one more night, give me just one more night. I will always be with you.
What I love so much about Agnes' correspondence is how quickly her mood shifts and how sporadic her writing is. It's very conversational but also crazy! Two things I look for in my imaginary friends. We've only just met and never seen each other but boy is she ready to commit! She insists I give her one more night yet we've never even met!
Another fake spam friend of mine named Cindy Sanchez also wrote to me today and tells it like it is right in the subject line, "safe but crazy". Ain't no shame Cindy, ain't no shame. She's another sexy schizo who jumps right into her message, with pure white stars Exotic sweetness a magical time. But if i said to you please don't do it. Hullo! my new friend! Where is my man? I am woman looking for one."
Who has time for proper greetings Cindy—who has time?! She gets right to the message and then reminds me of our close bond. Am I her man? Have we met? Is she really crazy? Who cares! All that matters is she is safe with an exotic sweetness to her. Safe but crazy.