Mollie

There are no words for this. No words.

This is owl you need for protection

Who wants an old fashioned scarecrow when you can protect your garden with this freakish owl like thing! This "life-like" owl hoots to scare away the dumbest of nature's vegetarians from your garden and can also be placed at your front door to greet "visitors in a fun, original way". Entering a house with this "very attractive and realistic design" tells your guests that you are not only a satanic owl-worshipping cult member but also have very poor taste in décor.

Owl will protect you.

Native ornamentation

The Bradford Exchange brings us this ornament of a race of people who have been all but eradicated but their ability to make money lives on. Whether you love Native American imagery or some lingering guilt over their slaughter compels you to buy anything bearing their likeness—this is just the thing for you! What could be more graceful than vaguely Native American people adorning your Christmas tree or just hanging around daily? No portions of the proceeds will go towards any sort of charity or reservation so you can feel even better about your purchase.

Why get dressed?

This is perfect for those days when you're trying to for that, I-haven't-left-the-house-all-day look. It tells the world that you're a free spirit, not confined by fashion or the cultural norms of getting dressed. Whoever wrote the ad copy gets you and notes how it's "perfect for lounging or entertaining at home--even candlelight dinners". Indeed if you're wearing this "figure-flattering" frock around the house you probably look best in candlelight so live it up girl! It's not a muumuu, it's a statement.

The Kiss of Death!

Who doesn't love chocolate and those little representatives of candy love—the Hershey's Kiss!? Well you may not love them if you receive this lame ass Hershey's Kiss music box as a gift. Forget it if you've got a son, this one comes inscribed with "Kisses for My Daughter" and it's for the ladies. When you open this candy-less Trojan Horse Kiss it plays "Your Are So Beautiful". I guess it's to tell your daughter how much she reminds you of a big bottomed blob of chocolate?

Personally I'd rather have chocolate but maybe that's just me.

33 Problems and a wish ain't one

Who hasn't made a wish and hoped it would come true? Well with Maria Duval's foolproof plan your wish can come true! All you do is check off the wishes you want to come true, mail it to Maria, mail back the large secret white envelope and voila—wish granted. I mean Maria has been "consulted by many international celebrities"and is a "holder of the highest honorary awards and degrees" so of course you're gonna see results. I can guarantee that if your wish is to make your money vanish it's bound to work.

If anyone tries it let me know if your wish comes true.

Sunday ads for the ladies

More fun with Sunday circulars! These are two for the ladies. First we have a snazzy snap up jacket—perfect for any occasion! As long as that occasion is playing bridge with the gals or Wednesday night bingo. It would also be good for geriatric strippers who want to rip their clothes off in a hurry but stay warm beforehand.

Snap-It-Up bitch!


The next ad is for a real gem. What could be worse than cancer? Why none other than art by "Painter of Light" Thomas Kinkade that's what! Cancer is no laughing matter, which is why Mr. Kinkade teamed up with the good folks at The Hamilton Collection to create a statue for that will give "a portion of the proceeds" to help find a cure for breast cancer. Your generosity knows no bounds "Painter of Light"! This "graceful lady" who "reminds us that the hope for a cure is as timeless as a woman's elegance" was simply inspired by the "romantic paintings" of Señor Kinkade. That means he probably had nothing to do with this. Awesome!





That's all the sarcasm I can muster for this week. Enjoy these ads and I hope to post some original artwork soon.

Cat Clock

This is perfect for the man who has pussy on his brain all day long! Not only does this charming conversation piece feature pictures of kitties at each hour, it also has a moving tail. What better way to spend a day than chasing tail?

God Bless The Bradford Exchange.

Must have headwear for AARP members

This hat is a must have for any 55 year old or over. Not only does it proudly proclaim to the world, "I am a senior and proud", it tells them that you're one cheap old bastard. Note to trophy wife hunting seniors, don't wear this hat when looking for your younger, gold-digging wife. Not a good conversation starter.

Secret gaudy cross

I regularly post the weird ads from the weekly Sunday circulars and here is this week's gem. Not only can you wear this cross with you everywhere, but you'll never be caught without The Lord's Prayer! It's like a secret DaVinci Code message but without all the messy conspiracy. I can't tell whether it projects The Lord's Prayer onto walls or if you're just supposed to squint and read it. That girl must have cybernetic eyes or some shit.

Creepy coupon ads

So as you may or may not know I cut coupons. I'm a bit of a coupon fanatic and I always love the creepy ads that are put in them. Here are a few from this week that stuck out.

Bedwetting, sure it's not fun and something to be avoided but what's with those two scary looking kids? They have black eyes and the girl's are dripping something black! This looks like the cover of a Marilyn Manson album not a bedwetting ad. First off, where's the bed? Secondly those kids look way too dry. It's all sorts of wrong.





You can own the ever-creepy, Nina, for the low low price of $149.99 (payable in 5 easy installments of $29.99). She will warm your heart and haunt your dreams!

I love the cautionary note they include, "This doll is not a toy. She is a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors." Enjoyed by adult collectors huh? The only adult collectors enjoying this doll are obviously bedwetters! God forbid a child try to "play" with this doll—that's not what The Living Baby Doll is for! She is for enjoyment and mimicking the actions of a real baby.




Don't fuck with her or she will giggle at you and turn her head in defiant judgement!